she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
