your parents love me but you hate me
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
