I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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