I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
