im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
