I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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