Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Even my vagina gasped.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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