OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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