if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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