He had one of those small greek statue penises
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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