i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
