So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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