how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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