I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
