the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
