I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
