i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
