I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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