My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
