if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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