I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
