What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
