I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
