I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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