So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
