Umm I'm too high to move.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
