smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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