Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Holy sore nipples Batman
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
