Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
