hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
