the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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