When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
