why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
