I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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