if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
