so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize