According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
