i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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