...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
