the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
