I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize