opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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