all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
