The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
