Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize