i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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