What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
