ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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