Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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