Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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