I want to make a zoo with you.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
It's never too late to be topless.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
