One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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