I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
