I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
