I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
