Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
