If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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