haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
