If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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