Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
