Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Found the puke drawer
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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