Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
