barbara walters just said penis...
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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