There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
