Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
